Excessive Apologies: Strategies to End the Habit

As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.